When I found out I was pregnant last December, I remember having a weird thought one day in the shower: If this goes south, I need to blog about it.
Kind of bizarre, right? Not the thing an excited mom-to-be usually thinks about. But I felt this weird conviction in my soul about it.
When things did go south in January, I felt that same pull to write. I knew I needed to put into words what I was struggling with, to share our very private struggle publicly.
As life has continued to throw me challenges, I’ve continued to write about them, openly and honestly, in all of their ugliness.
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why exactly I write about the hard stuff. This quote popped up on my Facebook feed last week, and it’s stuck with me. It puts into words why I feel I’ve been called to write.
You have been assigned this mountain so that you can show others it can be moved.Mel Robbins
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t have it all figured out. I lost 40 pounds – then gained it back. I have PCOS. I still struggle with anxiety. I’m still grieving the loss of my dad. I had a miscarriage – and still don’t have a baby. Trust me, I’m a hot mess.
But what I do know is that there’s power in sharing that mess with others.
See, all of the things I’ve gone through lately are stigmatized. People don’t talk about mental illness, weight and body image issues, pregnancy loss, or grief, and I don’t blame them. No one wants to be called fat, crazy, or receive people’s pity.
For whatever reason, be it due to bravery or stupidity, God gave me no shame when it comes to these things. I’m not embarrassed to talk about the hard stuff, and the awkward stuff, and the stuff most people wouldn’t even tell their friends they were struggling with.
You’ll hear me call myself an advocate, for mental health, for body positivity, for people struggling with infertility. It’s not because I think I’m a savior or something.
It’s because I feel comfortable speaking up and sharing my story, and by sharing, I know I represent all of those who, for whatever reason, can’t share theirs. It’s an honor I take seriously. Advocacy, or whatever you’d like to call it, is the only thing in life I can say with certainty that I’m passionate about.
As I struggle to make peace with the painful hand we’ve been dealt lately, I feel that at least part of the purpose was to write about it, to show people the mountains I face (and they do too) can be moved, even if moving the mountains only means finding the strength to get out of bed and face them, one day at a time.
That’s why I write about the hard stuff, and why I won’t stop writing about it. Even if it’s awkward.